When I was a kid, they made us practice hiding under our desks in the event of a nuclear attack, because, you know, school desks are super good at repelling radiation.
[formica is magical stuff]
No one conquers Russia in the wintertime, unless you are— wait for it— [you know you always are] — the Mongols.
[Oh Mongoltage! So beloved, your bellowing brass, blaring a bray of baned brutality]